In the world of Psychosexual Therapy or Sex Therapy, we work within a Biopsychosocial Model or Framework i.e. we seek to understand a person’s sexual and relationship issues not simply from a biological or physiological perspective but, also from a psychological and social perspective.
It may come as a surprise to some but, many psychosexual problems stem from social and cultural norms i.e. behavioral aspects of being a man, woman, or other gender identity in our society and subsequently how genders are treated. Sexism is a prejudice or discrimination based on one’s sex or gender. It is closely linked to gender roles and stereotypes, and may create a belief that one sex or gender is intrinsically superior to another….. which is not the case.
The negative impact of how one’s sex and gender are treated by society can hinder and damage healthy sexual relationships. The suggestion that a wolf whistle or sexual innuendo is just a bit of harmless fun or banter and, the recipient should just ‘get over themselves’ is absurd. The reaction can often be fear, trauma or abuse – either verbally, emotionally, sometimes physically and sometimes sexually.
The architecture of the brain creates strategies or defense mechanisms to protect us and, sometimes unfortunately, these experiences can prevent us from having healthy sexual relationships with people who really matter. A significant part of a Psychosexual Therapist’s role is helping our clients recalibrate these defense mechanism and appreciate that their partner is not a reflection of what society holds as an inappropriate norm.
Laura Bates, in her excellent book “Everyday Sexism”, which shares experiences from contributors of her Everyday Sexism Website Project (www.everydaysexism.com), describes what it is like walking down the street that she lives:
“My experience of walking down the London street on which I live is completely different from my partner’s, even though we live together, have similar schedules and both travel the route daily. He doesn’t tense at the approach of a car in a distinctive shade of dark green, because it once slowed to a crawl while the driver told him, in chilling detail, how he’d noticed exactly which streets he regularly walked down and at what time. He doesn’t cross the road to avoid the fishmonger’s, where the men stand in the doorway making comments under their breath about his body as he walks past. He doesn’t have to go to the coffee place that’s a bit further away and without convenient WiFi because the waiters at the closer place harassed him and asked him for his number and made bets about who would get it the last time he went in. He doesn’t duck into a shop doorway when he spots the man who once followed him off the bus and down the street. None of this crosses my partner’s radar.”
She also describes how:
“On nights out it has become the norm to have my arse grabbed, but the worst is when they grab for my crotch then disappear into the crowd so I don’t even know who has done it (yes this has happened more than once and it hurts). I’ve also been threatened by men and pushed into walls for resisting or for standing up for friends they were trying to grope.”
It’s not Banter…. It’s Trauma…. It’s Abuse.
These experiences, these traumas,…. are abuse and are just some of the reasons that our clients; clients of any gender; will experience sexual difficulties.
It is not unusual for our clients to come to us thinking there is something wrong with them, and there is nothing wrong with them. Something like this has happened to them and we help them work through it.